Eminem: Father of the Year?
by Tom Sylvester, originally published in Fatherhood Today, Fall 2002
Two things about Eminem are incontestable. 1) He is an exceptionally talented rapper. 2) His lyrics are often vile, always vulgar. Many words have been written by music reviewers and others trying to reconcile those truths. Pulled in by the tight flow and ample pathos in his lyrics, Eminem fans who claim to have a social conscience strain to justify liking an artist who raps about doing drugs, committing hate crimes, murdering his ex-wife, and other antisocial activities.
Consider this column a contribution to that growing body of literature.
Either despite or because of the controversy that surrounds him, Eminem (born Marshall Mathers) is a mainstream commercial success. He won three Grammy awards in 2000, can always be seen on a magazine cover, and stars in a feature film, 8 Mile, based on his life. His latest album, The Eminem Show, has sold over five million copies. In it, Eminem explores his usual themes: fame, failed relationships, why he's so messed up, and fatherhood.
That's right -- fatherhood. On each album, and with increasing frequency, Eminem raps about growing up fatherless and being a dad to his six-year-old daughter, Hailie.
Eminem makes it clear that one source of his anger at the world was being abandoned by his father. His first single closed with the lines, "By the way, when you see my dad / tell him I slit his throat in this dream I had." And on his latest single, "Cleaning Out My Closet," Eminem alternates between pain and anger: "I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months / [my father]…split. I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye / No, I don't on second thought, I just…wished he would die."
Eminem also suggests that his popularity partly stems from adolescents who identify with the pain of family breakdown. In one song, a fictional fan tells Eminem, "I'm just like you in a way, I never knew my father neither." And, with lines likely to resonate with children of divorce, Eminem says, "I got nothin' to do but make you look stupid as parents / You…do-gooders-too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!" He even tells parents why their son listens to his songs: These [lyrics] are nightmares for white parents, whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings / to see him walking around with his headphones blaring, alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care / He's a problem child, and what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about, his dad walkin' out/cuz he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out. If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out /…his house is a broken home. There's no control, he just let's his emotions go...
Father absence often cycles through generations. However, some men who grow up fatherless vow to ensure that their children will never have to go through the same experience. Eminem lands squarely in this group. He explains in a VH1 interview: Not to get into a big sob story or anything, but the fact that, you know, my father was absent in my life…deep down those are the things that, when you're alone, that eat at you …when you think about what could have been.... When I look at my little girl I know that I could never abandon her and never not be in her life. Unless I'm dead I could never not be in her life…I can't see how a father would do that.
He raps, "I look at Hailie and I couldn't picture leavin' her side. Even if I hated Kim [his ex-wife], I grit my teeth and I'd try / to make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake." No other popular artist mentions his love for his child as much as Eminem-he dedicates an entire song to Hailie and has her sing the chorus on another.
Eminem also credits the responsibilities of fatherhood with inspiring him to straighten out his life and become a better person: I think I'm bottomin' out, but I'm not about to give up, I gotta get up, thank God, I got a little girl / and I'm a responsible father, so not a lot of good, I'd be to my daughter, layin' in the bottom of the mud/must be in my blood cuz I don't know how I do it, all I know is I don't want to follow in the footsteps / of my dad, cuz I hate him so bad, the worst fear that I had was growin' up to be like [him].
Perhaps the most emotionally powerful track on The Eminem Show is "Hailie's Song," in which Eminem describes how much his daughter means to him. It's the most heartfelt song by a father about his daughter since Bob Carlisle's surprise 1997 hit "Butterfly Kisses." "Hailie's Song" catches Eminem attempting to actually sing, something big tough rap stars rarely do. He sings that his insecurities and despair drive him to the verge of tears, "But then I see my baby, suddenly I'm not crazy / It all makes sense when I look into her eyes." His sentimentality is disarming and moving.
But Eminem will never win any fatherhood awards, nor should he. The first commandment in NFI's 10 Ways to Be a Better Dad brochure states, "Respect your children's mother." Research shows that parental conflict -- inside or outside of marriage -- is harmful to children. After all, how is a child supposed to feel when the two most important people in her life hate each other? And Hailie's dad writes songs, heard by millions, about how much he hates her mother. In one track, Eminem admits, "I wouldn't let Hailie listen to me either," but she will listen to him as she gets older. She will listen to songs in which her dad raps about beating and murdering her mom.
Yes, Eminem is disturbed. And as he constantly reminds listeners, you'd be disturbed too if you grew up poor, your mother abused drugs, bullies beat you up, and your father abandoned you when you were two months old. But explanations are not excuses, and Eminem fans should resist sliding into an apologist mode. Rather, they should point to an essential part of his message: that we should care less about what he says and more about the conditions that create troubled young men like him. That's something everyone can agree upon, but it's easier said than done.
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